I was scrolling TikTok the other day when I came across a hairstylist who always asks their clients what their pronouns are. This time, the client paused and said they were still figuring it out.
Then came the question: “Why now? Why are you finally exploring it?”
Their response stopped me cold.
“It’s heavier to not explore it.”
Those words froze me in my tracks. My chest tightened, a tear welled up, and I just sat there replaying the line over and over in my head: That’s me. That has always been me.
The Weight of Silence
Before I allowed myself to explore my identity, I was miserable. I didn’t even know why at the time. I had never met anyone who was trans. I didn’t have language for what I was feeling. I only knew that the way I moved through the world didn’t line up with who I was inside.
When I finally stumbled across the word transgender and realized there was something that described what I felt, I still didn’t allow myself to explore it. Instead, I thought about it constantly. It consumed me. I’m not exaggerating when I say there wasn’t an hour that went by when I didn’t think: I wish I could be that brave. I wish I could be strong enough to become myself.
Carrying that silence was suffocating. It was like dragging around a backpack full of bricks every single day. And yet, somewhere deep down, I knew that if I ever allowed myself to let go — if I could finally release myself and live openly — it would feel like those bricks sliding off my back.
The Moment I Had to Try
Eventually the constant weight became undeniable. I realized I had to do it — I had to step into the unknown — no matter what it cost me, no matter what people around me might think. And that was terrifying.
But here’s where my story turns: my spouse, my rock, looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me no matter what. That love became my anchor.
In 2022, we were on a cruise together. Standing at the aft of the ship, watching the endless wake trail behind us — our favorite place on any cruise — I came out to her. That was the moment the heaviness began to lift.
It didn’t all disappear right away. The weight didn’t just vanish overnight. But that moment cracked something open. For the first time, I felt what it was like to breathe without the bricks pressing me down. And that’s when I knew, in my bones: it is heavier to not explore it.
Beyond Gender
As I’ve kept walking this journey, I’ve realized this truth isn’t just about gender or sexuality. It shows up everywhere.
It’s heavier to not explore your faith when the version you inherited doesn’t fit anymore.
It’s heavier to not explore family dynamics when you realize “family” may not mean unconditional love after all.
It’s heavier to not ask questions about the dreams, the passions, the paths that call to you.
Exploring may cost you. It may change relationships. It may shift everything. But not exploring? That cost is even heavier.
A Promise
So here’s my promise to you — whether you’re questioning your identity, your faith, your relationships, your future:
It’s heavier if you don’t.
I hope you walk away from these words with permission to explore, with hope, and with courage. To be that thing. To do that thing. To live that thing. Because the weight you’re carrying? You don’t have to keep dragging it around.
